Exciting Weekend

First off June 4th was my Grandmother's 86 birthday, which being in a different city means a phone call. And although we talked this and that, I really missed her. I also realized how much I am going to miss having her at my wedding in Sept regardless of a big Engagement Party while visiting Calgary in July.

Second, my Cousin gave birth to her first child, a beautiful baby boy, after a long ordeal and a trip to the OR just missing a C-Section by minutes. She is two days older then me, and in the same city, the closet thing to a sister I have. My goal is to try and get to see her at least once a week, maybe do some dishes or laundry for her while visiting.

Third I had my physical. Fairly straitforward, given a good list of blood work to be doing, some being tests I have been hoping for, for a long time. My new Dr. listened to my concerns about possible PCOS, even asked before I brought it up if I had my Ovaries looked at. Only every other year since about 18, ultrasounds are fun! They always come up clean but I have a lot of the symptoms. Note the lovely beard. The thing that threw me for a loop was that she got concerned about my swollen neck area, and found pain spots that made her hmm. So now I am going for an ultrasound of my Thyroid. I am trying not to worry, and a little hopeful that we will figure out what is wrong with me, and start making steps to getting to a point where, I am symptom free.

Diagnosis is the first step!

Slipping below the Surface: Depression Recovery

In 2009 I slipped below the surface of  the waters and fell head long into a deep depression. I have spent my whole life treading the waters to keep myself above, and that year, the choppy waters of winter were too much to handle on top of the stresses of that particular summer which I hadnt fully regained myself from. I hadnt let myself slip that far below the surface since I was in grade six (where I missed 3 months total of the school year, but had grades awesome enough to have admin let that slide). I made a lot of decisions to help pull me out of the dark, leaving University and moving to Ottawa where I barely know anyone, being the biggest. I stayed with an amazing couple and their young son, who were an inspiration, though I am sure I have never truly expressed my gratitude to them enough.

At the darkest deeps I lost the ability to concentrate, it started at first with Academic texts, but progressed to most non-fiction books. My mainstay of reading is non-fiction. I have recovered in a lot of aspects of my life but I still have a lot of difficulty staying focused on my books. I went from being able to read a 200 page book in two days, to barely being able to finish a chapter. Currently I struggle to stay focused through each page and get easily distracted so my home is littered with half read books. It frustrates me, because I remember how it used to be and I just want to go back to being able to bury myself in the words, and worlds the author is sharing, but I loose myself in a hundred other things.

I am not considering seeking help. I havent gone to counselling, and stopped taking depression medication when I reached the head above surface state that I have always considered normal. Apparently most people have boats, but you know, that isnt really something I have experienced. I have come across a few lectures and discussions of ADHD lately and it pretty much is describing me. My brother has ADHD was diagnosed when he was in Grade 2 or 3. My mother always said she thought I had it too, but coped better so slipped under the school diagnosis radar. So now I am wondering if my period below the dark, unleashed a bit of the Beast I had been keeping in check down there. So how do I go about seeking help, what is the next step?

I just want to be able to read again, focus on a project, finish something I have started. Follow through on what I know I am capable of. It isnt too much to ask, but it does mean I may need to find a different way of doing it.