I have been thinking about posting on this topic a few times, but is hard to really see it as more then a self-centered pity party. I suppose that since this is my blog, and no one actually reads it that it doesnt really matter, but still, all I ever write is about being sad.
I am so incredibly lonely most of the time. Having a baby is only going to make this worse. I think I have friends but they are all very busy and I in my introverted ways do not make the effort to reach out to them. When I do try to plan something or have something going on in my life, they are all usually booked, or cancel at the last minute. There is nothing quite as heart wretchingly painful as planning a party that no one comes to, sadly this happens to me on a regular basis.
Starting at 10 years old when I invited both mine and the other class of peers to my birthday party, to which 2 people came. To my wedding shower which ended up being thrown together last minute with 5 people because I didnt want to be involved in planning it to fear or being let down. To this weekend canceling my Blessing Way because from the 14 people I invited I had 2 confirmed and 1 maybe. I wasnt going to spend Saturday waiting for people who werent coming and crying my eyes out about it. I understand logically the cancellations and unavailability, each indvidually, and I know people really wanted to be there. It just the big picture that digs down and rips into my heart. My insecurities that I really dont matter, just bubble right up to the surface. It is hard to not feel all alone, when you havent any peers to turn to.
Of course I have been fighting the feeling of loneliness since before this most recent incident. My husband tries really hard to be supportive, and loving, but I cannot rely on him to be my entire social network, nor emotional support system. The linchpin but there must be other parts. I am just really bad at having, making, and worst of all maintaining friendships. It is a skill that I havent developed very well. I blame myself for not putting myself out there, for not making an effort to do coffee, and stay in touch. I blame myself for being busy, for working 8 hour days and being too exhausted to do more then maintain the meager existence I etch out before passing out. I am just as bad for not going, not being available. Notoriously I end up working when most people have events and therefore cannot make it. That or I end up cancelling last minute generally do to Awe Fuckits of exhaustion, sickness and bad days. There is a certain level of human required for socializing and I dont reach that bar as often as I would like. The times when I pushed through and went anyway I quietly sit in a corner alone and generally silent then berate myself when I get home for not contributing or being the person I think I really am inside.
I wish I could give the sweet loving bubbly happy me that I know I am capable of, but she seems to have been lost in all the near drownings in the deep dark sea of emotional upheaval. I think the truth is I miss myself the most.
