Monday, December 19, 2011

Dog Vs. Kitchen Aide

I really want a Dog. The household (5 adults) has been talking about getting a dog off and on for awhile now. The last two nights, I have had a dog or dogs in my dreams. I think a dog would be good to settle into the house, before the baby comes, instead of having to deal with adjusting when I already have a baby I am adjusting to. The household seems to agree with me. My mother who doesnt live here, thinks it is an absolutely ridiculous idea, that a dog will tie me down, be a financial burden(unseen vet bills), and I will be the only one responsible for it. I kinda broke down into tears after talking to her about it. Until earlier this year there was a Dog in this house, he was old and relaxed and easy to take care of, and he passed away as old dogs do. This house has always had dogs, and you can feel the sense of a missing piece where a dog should be. Yes, there is not a lot of space, there are three cats, of which at least one I have concerns about already. She is just a cranky almost bipolar cat, who tries to be dominate and correct all the other cats behaviour, and then stresses out about her lack of control... sound familiar? I am thinking I may want to find a new home for her, that she may be happier living as an only cat. Then again, I am not sure how abandoned she would feel if I rehomed her. If I am correcting anyone else's behaviour she comes running and intervenes with a swat if she feels it is required. She also is getting protective of me, and will swat anyone coming near me if I am in a bad mood. Will she end up swating the baby? What do I do then?

Back to the dog, I found one at the humane society that seems promising and kinda want to go meet him. Border Collie & Lab mix, which means required multiple daily walks, and most likely other training, because this dog doesnt do well when bored. DH's Mother is a former Vet Tech, who lives with us, says she would like to see the dog, and ascertain how much Border Collie is dominating the Dog's behaviour, as long as it isnt too Border Collie, it would be a good mix, not to neurotic, or requiring regular engaged training, but also smart and wanting to herd the kids, and fetch items in a helpful way, once taught. It is all about personality. Adoption fee is ~$290. Which brings up another thing, I broke the hand mixer last night. Well not completely broke, but it was near on fire, with bad burning smell, it was only Chocolate Chip Cookies, which means I am probably going to have to admit I need a new mixer, and I really want a Kitchen Aide.

Kitchen Aid Mixer especially the Professional 5 of my dreams, retail in around $300-500. Which is pretty close to the same price as a dog on sale. To put this in perspective when I do force myself out of bed in the deep pits of my depression that is December. I pretty much bake, it is my therapy, it makes me feel good about myself, and even if I curse my way through a batch of short bread, in the end at least I have short bread.

A Dog on the other hand is work, although I wouldnt bear the sole burden of it, I would be responsible for taking it for at least 1 walk a day, if not two. Although an excuse to drag myself out of the house would be healthy. A Dog will demand love and attention, may create conflict with the household Cats, or may stabilize them into a new dominance structure that brings some sort of normalcy before Baby. Then there is the whole, household dynamics of when the Baby comes, and how that will change. Will the Dog get walks? eat Diapers? Destroy Bassinet?  A Kitchen Aide will sit there unused and unloved without so much as a boo.

I cannot base the decision on my emotions, and my desire for a dog. I do want to at least meet the dog though, I wouldnt be able to take him home this week anyway, if I did decide. A Kitchen Aide would be a great boxing day sale item... of course that requires entering a store on boxing day, well week.

Le Sigh.... I just keep dreaming about a Dog, but I know that a Stand Mixer would make my life easier. One will help me loose weight and be healthy, the other will help me bake goodies that will help me gain weight.

Ugh, well it is a family decision, but I am the one that is really into a dog right now, if I wait a dog will show up... eventually.

Friday, December 16, 2011

December Depression - Antisocial & Lonely

Most of the time I feel like a giant failure. The rest of the time I am faking it. Most people go out to a party and hang out with friends and have a good time. For me I come home usually feeling empty and alone. In my mind I have spent the entire time quietly in a corner being unobtrusive with random bursts of trying to hard to be cool thrown in. Perhaps it depends on who I am hanging out with but today, today was that kind of day. I woke up and battled to get out of bed, which although not new, was a pretty epic battle today. Finally winning out only because I had promised myself to finish baking cookies, leaving a mess in the kitchen as to inconvenience my housemates increasing my guilt factor according to such inconvenience that I could not just leave it. That and I knew that I had to go to a party tonight, so at some point I would have to leave the comfy purple. Everything I touched dropped, broke, or otherwise wouldn't co-operate illiciting a rather raging string of profanities from my mouth in which every piece of equipment and ingredient knew that it was in trouble for failure to co-operate. I got through it though and felt better after all the proto-cookies were neatly wrapped in the freezer as gifts for Tuesday. I then wandered around aimlessly trying to clean up until my Husband arrived home and it was get ready for the party time. I put make-up on to which I felt a little like a clown, but was reassured looked nice. I dressed in my fancy new clothes, and tried to slip into smiling mode.

I am not sure who I was pretending to be. But All I felt was guilt and annoyance with myself for being the self-absorbed, useless little weak ass pussy. I didnt offer to help first when I arrived, I didnt express gratefulness for dinner or being there first, and I didnt contribute in any meaningful way to the evening, besides providing a topic of conversation via my intrusive fetus carrying baby. I do not like who I was, but apparently that is because I am too self-absorbed worrying what other people think instead of relaxing and having a good time. What is a good time?

Just get me through December, it is a rough month to begin with and being pregnant isnt helping. Self-loathing and Guilt over Self-loathing eat up so much of my being there isnt much left to actually be who I want to be. That is no excuse though, I should be pulling up my boot-straps and becoming who I want to become. Instead empty blah. Guilt over not being overjoy smiling bubbly pregnant woman, who can barely manage to portray to the outside world how excited I am to become a mother. I am afraid to be excited, but I feel guilty not being excited.

Doing the best I can... maybe... I hope.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Holiday Music & Facing the Truth

The project of putting all my CDs into iTunes continues. I also have a lot of Holiday music. I guess the album a year tradition does add up after a few years. I am officially on Maternity leave, and I have to say I didnt miss having to be at work by 10am this Tuesday. I did kinda want to go anyway. I am not due until Feb, but I am a little to unreliable for standing on my feet for 8 hours a day, and it isn't worth it to cut back my hours any more then I already had. So now, I have time to get things in order for the Baby. Of course I cannot lift anything to heavy, and bending and such is getting beyond the mildly uncomfortable stage. Which means sorting, and listing and then enlisting the Darling Husband when he gets home.

The most important Goals are to empty the Living Room of My "crap" or the various items and furniture from the move the end of Sept. Most of which are Books, in need of bookshelves, in the as yet unorganized Den. The 2nd Goal, is to organize myself and stuff. I would like to be able to access my things when I want/need them. So finding a place for everything, and putting everything in its place is Goal number 2.