Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Lonely, and it is My Fault

I have been thinking about posting on this topic a few times, but is hard to really see it as more then a self-centered pity party. I suppose that since this is my blog, and no one actually reads it that it doesnt really matter, but still, all I ever write is about being sad.

I am so incredibly lonely most of the time. Having a baby is only going to make this worse. I think I have friends but they are all very busy and I in my introverted ways do not make the effort to reach out to them. When I do try to plan something or have something going on in my life, they are all usually booked, or cancel at the last minute. There is nothing quite as heart wretchingly painful as planning a party that no one comes to, sadly this happens to me on a regular basis.

Starting at 10 years old when I invited both mine and the other class of peers to my birthday party, to which 2 people came. To my wedding shower which ended up being thrown together last minute with 5 people because I didnt want to be involved in planning it to fear or being let down. To this weekend canceling my Blessing Way because from the 14 people I invited I had 2 confirmed and 1 maybe. I wasnt going to spend Saturday waiting for people who werent coming and crying my eyes out about it. I understand logically the cancellations and unavailability, each indvidually, and I know people really wanted to be there. It just the big picture that digs down and rips into my heart. My insecurities that I really dont matter, just bubble right up to the surface. It is hard to not feel all alone, when you havent any peers to turn to.

Of course I have been fighting the feeling of loneliness since before this most recent incident. My husband tries really hard to be supportive, and loving, but I cannot rely on him to be my entire social network, nor emotional support system. The linchpin but there must be other parts. I am just really bad at having, making, and worst of all maintaining friendships. It is a skill that I havent developed very well. I blame myself for not putting myself out there, for not making an effort to do coffee, and stay in touch. I blame myself for being busy, for working 8 hour days and being too exhausted to do more then maintain the meager existence I etch out before passing out.  I am just as bad for not going, not being available. Notoriously I end up working when most people have events and therefore cannot make it. That or I end up cancelling last minute generally do to Awe Fuckits of exhaustion, sickness and bad days. There is a certain level of human required for socializing and I dont reach that bar as often as I would like. The times when I pushed through and went anyway I quietly sit in a corner alone and generally silent then berate myself when I get home for not contributing or being the person I think I really am inside.

I wish I could give the sweet loving bubbly happy me that I know I am capable of, but she seems to have been lost in all the near drownings in the deep dark sea of emotional upheaval. I think the truth is I miss myself the most.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Dog Vs. Kitchen Aide

I really want a Dog. The household (5 adults) has been talking about getting a dog off and on for awhile now. The last two nights, I have had a dog or dogs in my dreams. I think a dog would be good to settle into the house, before the baby comes, instead of having to deal with adjusting when I already have a baby I am adjusting to. The household seems to agree with me. My mother who doesnt live here, thinks it is an absolutely ridiculous idea, that a dog will tie me down, be a financial burden(unseen vet bills), and I will be the only one responsible for it. I kinda broke down into tears after talking to her about it. Until earlier this year there was a Dog in this house, he was old and relaxed and easy to take care of, and he passed away as old dogs do. This house has always had dogs, and you can feel the sense of a missing piece where a dog should be. Yes, there is not a lot of space, there are three cats, of which at least one I have concerns about already. She is just a cranky almost bipolar cat, who tries to be dominate and correct all the other cats behaviour, and then stresses out about her lack of control... sound familiar? I am thinking I may want to find a new home for her, that she may be happier living as an only cat. Then again, I am not sure how abandoned she would feel if I rehomed her. If I am correcting anyone else's behaviour she comes running and intervenes with a swat if she feels it is required. She also is getting protective of me, and will swat anyone coming near me if I am in a bad mood. Will she end up swating the baby? What do I do then?

Back to the dog, I found one at the humane society that seems promising and kinda want to go meet him. Border Collie & Lab mix, which means required multiple daily walks, and most likely other training, because this dog doesnt do well when bored. DH's Mother is a former Vet Tech, who lives with us, says she would like to see the dog, and ascertain how much Border Collie is dominating the Dog's behaviour, as long as it isnt too Border Collie, it would be a good mix, not to neurotic, or requiring regular engaged training, but also smart and wanting to herd the kids, and fetch items in a helpful way, once taught. It is all about personality. Adoption fee is ~$290. Which brings up another thing, I broke the hand mixer last night. Well not completely broke, but it was near on fire, with bad burning smell, it was only Chocolate Chip Cookies, which means I am probably going to have to admit I need a new mixer, and I really want a Kitchen Aide.

Kitchen Aid Mixer especially the Professional 5 of my dreams, retail in around $300-500. Which is pretty close to the same price as a dog on sale. To put this in perspective when I do force myself out of bed in the deep pits of my depression that is December. I pretty much bake, it is my therapy, it makes me feel good about myself, and even if I curse my way through a batch of short bread, in the end at least I have short bread.

A Dog on the other hand is work, although I wouldnt bear the sole burden of it, I would be responsible for taking it for at least 1 walk a day, if not two. Although an excuse to drag myself out of the house would be healthy. A Dog will demand love and attention, may create conflict with the household Cats, or may stabilize them into a new dominance structure that brings some sort of normalcy before Baby. Then there is the whole, household dynamics of when the Baby comes, and how that will change. Will the Dog get walks? eat Diapers? Destroy Bassinet?  A Kitchen Aide will sit there unused and unloved without so much as a boo.

I cannot base the decision on my emotions, and my desire for a dog. I do want to at least meet the dog though, I wouldnt be able to take him home this week anyway, if I did decide. A Kitchen Aide would be a great boxing day sale item... of course that requires entering a store on boxing day, well week.

Le Sigh.... I just keep dreaming about a Dog, but I know that a Stand Mixer would make my life easier. One will help me loose weight and be healthy, the other will help me bake goodies that will help me gain weight.

Ugh, well it is a family decision, but I am the one that is really into a dog right now, if I wait a dog will show up... eventually.

Friday, December 16, 2011

December Depression - Antisocial & Lonely

Most of the time I feel like a giant failure. The rest of the time I am faking it. Most people go out to a party and hang out with friends and have a good time. For me I come home usually feeling empty and alone. In my mind I have spent the entire time quietly in a corner being unobtrusive with random bursts of trying to hard to be cool thrown in. Perhaps it depends on who I am hanging out with but today, today was that kind of day. I woke up and battled to get out of bed, which although not new, was a pretty epic battle today. Finally winning out only because I had promised myself to finish baking cookies, leaving a mess in the kitchen as to inconvenience my housemates increasing my guilt factor according to such inconvenience that I could not just leave it. That and I knew that I had to go to a party tonight, so at some point I would have to leave the comfy purple. Everything I touched dropped, broke, or otherwise wouldn't co-operate illiciting a rather raging string of profanities from my mouth in which every piece of equipment and ingredient knew that it was in trouble for failure to co-operate. I got through it though and felt better after all the proto-cookies were neatly wrapped in the freezer as gifts for Tuesday. I then wandered around aimlessly trying to clean up until my Husband arrived home and it was get ready for the party time. I put make-up on to which I felt a little like a clown, but was reassured looked nice. I dressed in my fancy new clothes, and tried to slip into smiling mode.

I am not sure who I was pretending to be. But All I felt was guilt and annoyance with myself for being the self-absorbed, useless little weak ass pussy. I didnt offer to help first when I arrived, I didnt express gratefulness for dinner or being there first, and I didnt contribute in any meaningful way to the evening, besides providing a topic of conversation via my intrusive fetus carrying baby. I do not like who I was, but apparently that is because I am too self-absorbed worrying what other people think instead of relaxing and having a good time. What is a good time?

Just get me through December, it is a rough month to begin with and being pregnant isnt helping. Self-loathing and Guilt over Self-loathing eat up so much of my being there isnt much left to actually be who I want to be. That is no excuse though, I should be pulling up my boot-straps and becoming who I want to become. Instead empty blah. Guilt over not being overjoy smiling bubbly pregnant woman, who can barely manage to portray to the outside world how excited I am to become a mother. I am afraid to be excited, but I feel guilty not being excited.

Doing the best I can... maybe... I hope.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Holiday Music & Facing the Truth

The project of putting all my CDs into iTunes continues. I also have a lot of Holiday music. I guess the album a year tradition does add up after a few years. I am officially on Maternity leave, and I have to say I didnt miss having to be at work by 10am this Tuesday. I did kinda want to go anyway. I am not due until Feb, but I am a little to unreliable for standing on my feet for 8 hours a day, and it isn't worth it to cut back my hours any more then I already had. So now, I have time to get things in order for the Baby. Of course I cannot lift anything to heavy, and bending and such is getting beyond the mildly uncomfortable stage. Which means sorting, and listing and then enlisting the Darling Husband when he gets home.

The most important Goals are to empty the Living Room of My "crap" or the various items and furniture from the move the end of Sept. Most of which are Books, in need of bookshelves, in the as yet unorganized Den. The 2nd Goal, is to organize myself and stuff. I would like to be able to access my things when I want/need them. So finding a place for everything, and putting everything in its place is Goal number 2.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

How I will never be a regular Blogger, but dream of it anyway.

It has been nearly 26 weeks since my last post. I have been counting in weeks since about thing, because about then I have had something growing inside of me, that has week by week biological updates. I am pregnant and due mid-February.  Though I have composed 1001 blog posts mentally throughout various brief computer down times I havent posted anything. A lot has changed besides my waistline, I am married as of Sept 3. In a new family home with 4 other adults, my Husband, his Mother, Brother and Brother's Friend. My stuff is crammed in the living room, barely accessible, the rest in the first of two rooms we have as our own. Add to this a growing amount of Baby things. My bedroom on the other hand is my sanctuary although incomplete it has our Bed, Dressers, and a giant picture window. Still work to be done. It has been a whirlwind, without morning sickness and fainting spells adding to the pile.

Since Moving in the End of September My Husband has installed an entire wall of Kitchen Shelves, so my things can be incorporated into an already well stocked, but not for Baking Kitchen. Washed down all the Walls in the only Bathroom to remove a build of mold, which has not returned and hopefully stays this way. Stripped, Sanded, Primed and Painted the bedroom, including building a few pieces of Ikea Furniture. Kept up with all the laundry, and all while looking for a job. He is getting a little worn out I am afraid so I have not tasked him with the next project, yet.

I hope that I will find more time to actually post to my blog. I am going on Early Maternity leave, since my ability to work 8 hours standing in a high paced, stress inducing environment is at its end. Of course I have a lot of work ahead of me to get my parts of this house in order to welcome a baby in February. Especially with fitting a 6th adult into the fold for about 3 weeks around the birthing time.

So today before finishing my part of the kitchen, actually filing cupboards, I started writing down the mental "To Dos" I can no longer trust my mind to remember them.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Exciting Weekend

First off June 4th was my Grandmother's 86 birthday, which being in a different city means a phone call. And although we talked this and that, I really missed her. I also realized how much I am going to miss having her at my wedding in Sept regardless of a big Engagement Party while visiting Calgary in July.

Second, my Cousin gave birth to her first child, a beautiful baby boy, after a long ordeal and a trip to the OR just missing a C-Section by minutes. She is two days older then me, and in the same city, the closet thing to a sister I have. My goal is to try and get to see her at least once a week, maybe do some dishes or laundry for her while visiting.

Third I had my physical. Fairly straitforward, given a good list of blood work to be doing, some being tests I have been hoping for, for a long time. My new Dr. listened to my concerns about possible PCOS, even asked before I brought it up if I had my Ovaries looked at. Only every other year since about 18, ultrasounds are fun! They always come up clean but I have a lot of the symptoms. Note the lovely beard. The thing that threw me for a loop was that she got concerned about my swollen neck area, and found pain spots that made her hmm. So now I am going for an ultrasound of my Thyroid. I am trying not to worry, and a little hopeful that we will figure out what is wrong with me, and start making steps to getting to a point where, I am symptom free.

Diagnosis is the first step!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Slipping below the Surface: Depression Recovery

In 2009 I slipped below the surface of  the waters and fell head long into a deep depression. I have spent my whole life treading the waters to keep myself above, and that year, the choppy waters of winter were too much to handle on top of the stresses of that particular summer which I hadnt fully regained myself from. I hadnt let myself slip that far below the surface since I was in grade six (where I missed 3 months total of the school year, but had grades awesome enough to have admin let that slide). I made a lot of decisions to help pull me out of the dark, leaving University and moving to Ottawa where I barely know anyone, being the biggest. I stayed with an amazing couple and their young son, who were an inspiration, though I am sure I have never truly expressed my gratitude to them enough.

At the darkest deeps I lost the ability to concentrate, it started at first with Academic texts, but progressed to most non-fiction books. My mainstay of reading is non-fiction. I have recovered in a lot of aspects of my life but I still have a lot of difficulty staying focused on my books. I went from being able to read a 200 page book in two days, to barely being able to finish a chapter. Currently I struggle to stay focused through each page and get easily distracted so my home is littered with half read books. It frustrates me, because I remember how it used to be and I just want to go back to being able to bury myself in the words, and worlds the author is sharing, but I loose myself in a hundred other things.

I am not considering seeking help. I havent gone to counselling, and stopped taking depression medication when I reached the head above surface state that I have always considered normal. Apparently most people have boats, but you know, that isnt really something I have experienced. I have come across a few lectures and discussions of ADHD lately and it pretty much is describing me. My brother has ADHD was diagnosed when he was in Grade 2 or 3. My mother always said she thought I had it too, but coped better so slipped under the school diagnosis radar. So now I am wondering if my period below the dark, unleashed a bit of the Beast I had been keeping in check down there. So how do I go about seeking help, what is the next step?

I just want to be able to read again, focus on a project, finish something I have started. Follow through on what I know I am capable of. It isnt too much to ask, but it does mean I may need to find a different way of doing it.