Most of the time I feel like a giant failure. The rest of the time I am faking it. Most people go out to a party and hang out with friends and have a good time. For me I come home usually feeling empty and alone. In my mind I have spent the entire time quietly in a corner being unobtrusive with random bursts of trying to hard to be cool thrown in. Perhaps it depends on who I am hanging out with but today, today was that kind of day. I woke up and battled to get out of bed, which although not new, was a pretty epic battle today. Finally winning out only because I had promised myself to finish baking cookies, leaving a mess in the kitchen as to inconvenience my housemates increasing my guilt factor according to such inconvenience that I could not just leave it. That and I knew that I had to go to a party tonight, so at some point I would have to leave the comfy purple. Everything I touched dropped, broke, or otherwise wouldn't co-operate illiciting a rather raging string of profanities from my mouth in which every piece of equipment and ingredient knew that it was in trouble for failure to co-operate. I got through it though and felt better after all the proto-cookies were neatly wrapped in the freezer as gifts for Tuesday. I then wandered around aimlessly trying to clean up until my Husband arrived home and it was get ready for the party time. I put make-up on to which I felt a little like a clown, but was reassured looked nice. I dressed in my fancy new clothes, and tried to slip into smiling mode.
I am not sure who I was pretending to be. But All I felt was guilt and annoyance with myself for being the self-absorbed, useless little weak ass pussy. I didnt offer to help first when I arrived, I didnt express gratefulness for dinner or being there first, and I didnt contribute in any meaningful way to the evening, besides providing a topic of conversation via my intrusive fetus carrying baby. I do not like who I was, but apparently that is because I am too self-absorbed worrying what other people think instead of relaxing and having a good time. What is a good time?
Just get me through December, it is a rough month to begin with and being pregnant isnt helping. Self-loathing and Guilt over Self-loathing eat up so much of my being there isnt much left to actually be who I want to be. That is no excuse though, I should be pulling up my boot-straps and becoming who I want to become. Instead empty blah. Guilt over not being overjoy smiling bubbly pregnant woman, who can barely manage to portray to the outside world how excited I am to become a mother. I am afraid to be excited, but I feel guilty not being excited.
Doing the best I can... maybe... I hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment